Alone.

Stay caught up! Read - "Spinal Surgery."

This is hard. Really, really hard.

If I could just skip this part of my story and forget about it and never talk about it again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. This was probably the hardest thing I had to deal with, and honestly, I'm still dealing with it today. But I know I need to talk about it and share my experience because I know others have been through or are currently going through similar situations. And that's the whole point of my blog - to help others and relate to others and let you ALL know that you are not alone in your trials.


But before I really start, there's something I need to say. This post is in NO WAY meant to call anyone out. As always, this is a judge-free zone. I'm not writing this with the intention of hurting anyone's feelings or making anyone feel bad or guilty. It's simply a part of my story that needs to be shared, and I hope to be able to do that without hurting or offending anyone.

Also, I'm about to open up to you. A lot. I'm going to talk about one of the lowest points in my life - both spiritually and emotionally. This post is very heavy. I know it can be hard for some to read about these sort of things, so I wanted to warn you all beforehand.

And with all of that in mind, here we go.

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I was released from the hospital five days after my spinal surgery. At first, I was happy to go home! I missed my dogs. I missed my recorded TV shows. I just missed being home. 

The first week at home was great! My brother and I had a bunch of movie marathons. My grandma was always bringing me apple slices. I had neighbors and family members come over and visit and bring treats. I slept. A lot.

I still had to go on walks for physical therapy, but now I had more options than just walking in circles on the fourth floor of the hospital. One of my favorite things was to walk up to the new reservoir in our neighborhood. I loved going and seeing all the kids playing in the water or building sand castles on the beach. I loved seeing all the fisherman anxiously waiting for a catch. I loved seeing the teenagers playing soccer or volleyball on the field. There were even a few occasions where I would see random people wearing my #Play4Mickey t-shirt!

But after a few days of being home, something began to happen. Or I guess, not happen.

Slowly, everything just stopped. My brother and parents all had to go back to school or work. Visitors were no longer dropping by. I stopped receiving treats and gifts. The texts and calls slowly stopped coming and I soon found myself completely and totally...alone.

It was so different from what I had been experiencing over the previous weeks. I was used to the loud, busy hospital. I was used to being constantly surrounded by doctors, nurses, family, and friends. I was used to my phone being blown up with texts and calls from people checking in on me.

But now, all that was done.

I didn't mind so much that neighbors or random kids from school weren't around anymore. Since my surgeries went well and I was home, I think everyone assumed I was doing great. Which was okay! I knew everyone had their own lives and their own problems to deal with. It's not like I was expecting constant attention.

But I was still in really bad shape. Even a few weeks after surgery, I was still basically stuck in bed. I could only get up to use the bathroom or go for a short walk. Everything hurt so much. My activities were still significantly limited, and because of that, I lost a lot of friends.

I lost my best friends, actually.

I was in the hospital for a total of about two weeks, and they came and visited me twice. While I was home stuck in my basement for two months, they visited me once. The check-up texts would come once a day, then once a week, and soon, just stopped altogether.

I wasn't mad at them. I could understand that they just wanted to enjoy their summer. They made some new friends and I would see all the fun things they were doing on Snapchat or Instagram. Hiking, camping, swimming, movie nights, etc. They were doing everything teenagers should do in the summer!

But while they were out enjoying their lives, I was at home, lying on my little mattress in my dark basement, trying to find a way to enjoy mine.

I did have one of my best friends stick around. She was always there for me and came over as often as she could, but like everyone else, she was usually busy with work and sports and other obligations, so those visits weren't very frequent either.

Of course I knew how much I was loved and how much everyone cared about me, but some days, it was hard to remember that. There would be those days where my brother was at school, and my parents were at work, and my grandma was out with other family members, and me? I was alone. Lying on my little mattress in my dark basement.

I would see pictures and videos of my softball team at tournaments every weekend throughout the summer. I would think about all the kids and teenagers I saw at the reservoir, playing and running and having the time of their lives without a care in the world.

I felt like a burden.
Useless.
Broken.
Alone.

I was in so much physical and emotional pain that honestly, I wanted to give up. I wanted to be done. I missed my healthy body. I missed playing softball. I missed going to school.

I missed my friends.

This was the lowest I had ever been in my life. My mind was constantly filled with negative, degrading thoughts. I thought about how much I had put my family through. I thought about how much pain and worry I had caused everyone. How many tears were shed for me. How many broken hearts. I blamed myself for everything.

I hated my body. My tumors. My scars. My life.

There were so many things I felt, but the worst feeling of all was the guilt. I felt so guilty. Everyone thought so highly of me. They thought I was the strongest, bravest girl who never questioned her faith or her testimony. And for awhile, I was that girl! From the minute I found out about my brain tumors, I was overwhelmed with peace. My relationship with God was strengthened and my testimony was the strongest it had ever been.

But now, I couldn't seem to find that peace.

Now, I was lying alone in my dark basement on that little mattress, crying and asking God why, feeling everything but strong.

Since I was tired of letting everyone down and breaking everyone's hearts, I decided to fake it. I was going to do my best to be that strong and brave girl with an unwavering testimony, even though that girl was now a stranger to me.

If anyone asked how I was feeling, I would force a smile and say I was doing great. I made sure all my social media posts were positive and inspiring. I tried to remember how the old Mikaela used to act, and did everything I thought she would do.

But as soon as I was alone again, I would break down.

This went on for awhile, until I started to realize something. Everything I was "faking"...didn't seem so fake anymore. My smile started coming more naturally. I was posting positive and inspiring things on my social media because that's how I really felt, not just so people would think that's how I felt. I started praying and talking to God again and I started feeling strong and brave again. Those peaceful feelings were back.

I quickly realized that those negative thoughts - those destructive, awful feelings I had - were wrong. I mean they were definitely very real and very valid feelings, but they were wrong. I really never faked anything. I had always been brave. I had always been strong. None of this was my fault. I was not useless or broken. And I definitely was not alone.

Every single one of you reading this right now is going through some sort of trial. And Satan, he knows that. He knows how strong you are, and that is not okay with him. So he does everything he possibly can to bring you down and that starts with your own personal thoughts. He makes you think you are weak. He makes you think you are losing your faith. He makes you think that you are completely alone. Please, don't listen to him.

Do not give Satan the satisfaction of bringing down one of God's strongest warriors.

You are strong. You are brave. You are absolutely incredible! But most importantly, you are not alone. Even when it seems like everyone around you is not physically present in your life, God is. Christ is. The Holy Ghost is. They love you so much and never want you to feel alone.

I was so focused on those horrible thoughts and feelings, I forgot about my Heavenly Father. I forgot about His promise that He gave me. The promise He gives all His children which is that He is always here for us. I was so focused on how lonely I felt that I forgot we are never really alone.

If your mind is constantly filled with negative, degrading thoughts, there isn't much room for the positive, uplifting ones. If, even for a second, we clear our heads and open our minds and listen to what God has to say, amazing things can happen.

Once I turned back to God and allowed Him to take over and help lift me up, I found my happiness again. I found my purpose again. Don't get me wrong - every day was still hard. I still didn't have my friends, I was still in bad shape, and I was still stuck on that little mattress in my dark basement. But I was happy. Truly and genuinely happy.

I knew this was all part of God's plan, even though I still didn't know what that plan was. I started sharing my story with others. I loved talking to people and telling them about my experiences and sharing my testimony. My faith began to grow and my testimony was getting stronger and stronger, because that's what can happen in our darkest times.

We find a light, and we become a light.

💗 / Mickey