Brain Tumors and French Toast

On the morning I was told I had a brain tumor, there was only one thing on my mind.

French toast.

Lets just get one thing clear - I am NOT a morning person. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Any day I have to wake up before 9 a.m. is not my most favorite day. Since I'm not a morning person, I've never been much of a breakfast person either. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love breakfast food, just not earlier than 9 a.m.

My MRI that morning in April of 2016 was early. I had to be at the hospital around 7:30 a.m, so my stomach was definitely empty. My mom had promised we could go to the Kneaders across the street and get french toast after, so I wasn't too worried about my noisy tummy.

The MRI technicians that day were super happy and cheerful, which was confusing to me. How could anyone be so happy and cheerful that early in the morning?? My MRI lasted about an hour, but they had to keep pulling me in and out of the machine to either adjust my position or to put contrast in my IV. (Contrast is a type of dye that targets and shows specific areas of the body better during an MRI).

About halfway through the scans, when the techs came in to change my position, they weren't so happy and cheerful anymore. They looked sad and worried. They looked at me sympathetically, almost as if they didn't think I was going to be around much longer. It was obvious that they had seen something, and it wasn't good.

Now I'm about to let you in on a little secret.

I knew.

I knew I had brain tumors before any picture showed us or any doctor told us.

The weekend before my MRI, I did something stupid - I googled my symptoms. Another thing I did, (and definitely DO NOT recommend) was I binged the TV show 'House' on Netflix. Even though that show is amazing, it probably is not the best idea to watch it the weekend before having a brain scan. Especially if a lot of your symptoms are the same as the people on the show who end up having some crazy weird disease. Even though my research methods were idiotic and most of the conclusions I came to were highly unlikely (like snake poisoning, bugs in my brain, and a few random diseases that existed a thousand years ago), I did come across one diagnosis that didn't seem quite so crazy to me.

Brain tumors.

I prayed a lot the weekend before my scan. I prayed long and hard because I had a feeling that my MRI was not going to bring the best news and I really wanted to be prepared for it. I wanted to know what was wrong with me.

To be honest, I really don't know how to explain it. All I know is that personal revelation is REAL. I didn't see the heavens open up or have an angel appear to me. I didn't even hear a "still small voice" tell me I had brain tumors. I just knew. 

So when I saw the techs faces the day of my MRI, I knew that they knew. They weren't allowed to say anything during the MRI without a doctor, but they knew. While I was in the MRI machine, staring at the plain white plastic top, knowing that in just a few short minutes my entire life was going to change, I could only think about one thing.

French toast.

When my MRI was finally done and my mom and I were told to wait in a small room in the corner for a doctor to come talk to us, I could only think of one thing.

French toast.

When the doctor finally came in and said those few words that completely shattered everything I previously knew and totally changed my life, I expected to cry. I expected myself to break down or yell or cause a scene. I expected to feel confused or angry or worried. Even though I already knew what they were going to tell me, I still expected something to happen. But nothing did, because all I could think about was - you guessed it -

FRENCH TOAST.

My mom was basically in shock and close to passing out from the news we had just received, but I was determined to get that dang french toast I was promised. I had to drag her across the street to Kneaders, but I got my french toast. And it was some of the best french toast I've ever had.

My brother Jordan met us at the restaurant, and him and my mom quietly sat at the table while I happily ate my breakfast. I kept trying to make conversation, but neither of them had much to say. I finally put my fork and knife down and looked right at my mom and said,
"Mom. I need you to know something. I knew what was happening. I knew I had a brain tumor. I knew that's what they were going to find this morning. And I know everything's going to be okay, okay?"

Even though my mom just kept staring out the window, I know she heard and believed what I had said.

I was very confused about that day. I was confused because of how calm I was. I had just been told I had a TUMOR in my BRAIN that would need to be REMOVED which meant BRAIN SURGERY...and all I could think about was french toast?! Was I insane or something? I know I had been informed beforehand that this would happen, but still. Why didn't I cry? Or have a panic attack? Or lose my appetite at the least?

So I guess the question is...what the heck?

From that first MRI on Monday to brain surgery just four days later on Friday, there wasn't a single moment where I was scared or worried. I never freaked out about what was going to happen or questioned if I was going to be okay. In fact, I was excited. I was excited to finally be relieved of all my awful symptoms.

Like most members of the LDS church who were born into a Mormon family, I was baptized when I turned eight years old and was given the gift of the Holy Ghost. Thank goodness for that because if I hadn't felt all that comfort and peace from the Holy Ghost, I truly believe that I wouldn't have made it out of that first MRI. 

But I did make it out of that MRI. Because instead of having a heart attack or going into shock, the only physical response that occurred was my stomach growling. And the only mental response was my desire for french toast grew stronger.

I've tried to apply this to every problem I've since faced. If there's something that comes up that's out of my control, why waste my time and energy worrying about it? Why not just relax and think about something better, like breakfast foods?

I had a life-threatening brain tumor. That was a fact.
I needed brain surgery. That was also a fact.
I also had dangerous tumors in my neck and spine. Another fact.

Because those were the facts and because there wasn't much I personally could do about those specific problems, I focused on what I could do. I could be positive and smile and choose not to worry. I could pray and read my scriptures and find comfort in the Holy Ghost. But most importantly, I could trust God. And I chose to trust God because He is the only one who really knows what's going to happen. He is the only one you can put your complete and full trust in 100% of the time because I promise you - He will not let you down.

So when it comes to things that are completely out of your control, things that shake the life you know and love, things that completely change the world you are comfortable with, choose to not worry. Choose to smile and be positive. Choose to pray and read the scriptures and find comfort in the Holy Ghost.

But most importantly, choose to trust God.

(And choose to eat french toast, too.)

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❤ / Mickey