Broken Hearts
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I didn't want to tell anyone about my tumors.
It was such a scary, confusing time in my life, and I wanted to figure some things out on my own and with my family before announcing my situation to the whole world. I wasn't ready for the massive amounts of stress and worry I knew this would cause everyone in my life. I've never been one to put myself at the center of attention, and I knew that once my little neighborhood and school found out about my brain tumor, I'd be the talk of the town.
But sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep something a secret, (especially this BIG of a secret), people find out. And since I knew that was probably going to happen sooner rather than later, there were a few people I needed to tell first. They needed to hear it from me.
One of the first people that needed to know was my softball coach, Jill. It was pretty obvious she had to be informed since it was the middle of the season and I wouldn't be going to practice that day, (or the rest of the year). My dad drove me to the high school and we both walked into Jill's classroom during her free hour. She knew I had been feeling sick and she knew I had an MRI that day, and I'm sure from the look on our faces when we walked in, she knew it wasn't good news.
I sat down by her desk and started to talk, but quickly stopped. I immediately broke down. For the first time since I was told I had a brain tumor, I cried. I sat there and cried and cried and I couldn't stop. It didn't help that my dad was crying too.
Finally after a minute of straight crying, I managed to spit it out.
"I have a brain tumor."
Jill started crying too.
The three of us sat there for a little while, just crying. When my tears finally took a break, I told my coach everything we knew. (Which really wasn't a lot). After talking for a few minutes, we made a plan to have a team meeting the next day during lunch so I could tell everyone.
My dad and I walked out of the classroom and I almost collapsed in the hallway. Everything began to spin worse than it ever had before. My nausea was acting up and I had to lean against the wall just to keep from falling over. I felt absolutely awful, and not just physically.
I was so confused.
Where did my peace go? What happened to the comfort and stillness that had been filling my mind and body since the beginning? Was that spirit gone and I'd have to continue through all this without it?
After my mini panic attack in the school hallway, my dad and I continued on to talk to the next person. Luckily, she was also at the school.
I've known Candi my entire life. She has been a neighbor, leader, and most importantly, a friend. I love and look up to her so much! She was also aware of my MRI that day. Being an audiologist, she helped connect us with an ENT doctor when my diagnosis was still just an ear infection. She had been following along with me this whole journey, so I wanted to be the one to tell her before anyone else did.
We walked in to her office and sat down. The tears started all over again.
"Candi, I have a brain tumor."
Candi didn't say anything at first, she just immediately reached out and hugged me. She then gave me some advice that I will never forget.
Candi told me that I could do this. She told me how strong I was and how I was going to become even stronger. She told me how much I was going to learn and how many cool experiences I was going to have and how I could take this as a chance to be an inspiration to others. I know she was inspired to say the things she did, because I walked out of her office feeling stronger and more confident than ever.
But I was still so sad.
The sadness I was feeling was so overwhelming that my physical symptoms were becoming increasingly worse. I had my dad take me home. There were more people to tell, but I physically and emotionally could not handle it anymore.
So I went home. I collapsed on the couch with my head in my moms lap and my family and I watched TV together for the rest of the evening. Honestly, we didn't really know what else to do.
As I laid on the couch with my head in my moms lap, I was trying to figure out why I was suddenly so upset about everything. I had been fine all weekend knowing I had a brain tumor, and I still knew everything was going to work out and be okay. So why was I just now feeling so terrible?
I realized it was because I knew how much everyone loved me. I have always been extremely blessed to have so many people in my life who I know appreciate and care for me, and now I had the responsibility of breaking their hearts. It was my job to let them down.
I hated being the reason behind so many tears and so many broken hearts.
Even to this day, breaking the news to all my family and friends was THE hardest thing. I have had six major surgeries, three laser eye treatments, gone through hours and hours of physical therapy, but none of those things can even compare to the pain I felt from breaking the hearts of so many people I loved.
While my family and I watched TV, I made a mental list of people I still wanted to tell in person. And even though I was drained, there were three people who needed to know that night.
My best friends.
They were also aware that I had been sick for the past few weeks and that I had an MRI that day. They had been texting and calling all day, but I wasn't responding. I really didn't want to tell them because I was tired of all the broken hearts so far, but they needed to know. I sent a message to our group chat and they were all at my doorstep within ten minutes.
"Guys, I have a brain tumor."
That sentence was starting to become all too familiar.
It was quiet for a few seconds while my friends tried to take in what I had just said. I continued to tell them all that I knew - a speech that I was beginning to memorize. The four of us stood on my porch talking for a few minutes while the sun went down.
My best friends told me they were going to be there for me. They let me know that I wouldn't have to go through this alone. They promised that when I had surgery, they would constantly be right by my side. They said everything that best friends should say, and it felt like a load was lifted off my back.
I dreaded waking up the next morning because I knew what I had to do. I had to go tell my team.
I drove myself to the school during lunch and walked into Jill's classroom where my teammates were eating pizza, talking, and laughing with one another. I looked around at all these girls. I had been playing softball with them since day one. They were the sisters I never had. I loved each and every one of them so much and I wanted so badly to just run out the door and never have to break another heart again.
But I couldn't. I had to do this.
Jill told everyone to listen up and gave me the signal to go ahead and speak. I started to talk, and instead of crying this time, I started shaking. I couldn't look anyone in the eye, so I stared at the ground.
"Well, some of you know I haven't been feeling too great lately. I had an MRI yesterday, and..."
I paused and took a deep breath to try and stop shaking.
"I have a brain tumor."
The room went completely silent. I will never forget the look on my teammates faces. Some of them were blank, others jaws dropped, and almost all of them immediately started crying. I continued to tell them everything I knew and did my best to answer any questions they had.
I may not have cried when I told my team, but telling them was the hardest of all.
A lot of people now knew, which meant word was probably going to get out pretty quickly. And it did. By the end of that second day there were already rumors going around. There was one more person on my mental list that I needed to tell, even though she had already heard the news.
I drove to Amber's house that night. She is another one of my very favorite people in the world! She was my young women's president who was also a neighbor and someone I still look up so much. I knocked on her door and when she opened it, she was already crying. I gave her a big hug and we sat on her couch and talked for a while.
I didn't cry this time. The spirit of peace and calmness was back and stronger than ever. I was relaxed while I went through everything that had happened in the past 48 hours. I told Amber how peaceful and chill I felt. I even went as far as to tell her that I knew about my brain tumor before the doctors did. Besides my mom and my brother, she was the only other person I had yet to admit that to.
Also, to try and lighten to mood, I said,
"I just hope my mom doesn't make me one of those cheesy Facebook pages called 'Miracles for Mickey' or something."
Yeah, I still think it's funny I said that.
Amber asked how I wanted the young women in my ward to find out. I couldn't bear the thought of having to break another group of people's hearts that I loved and cared about, so I asked if she would do it for me. She agreed and I left her house feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.
Finally, on Wednesday, April 20th, I made a post on all my social media accounts to let everyone know I had tumors and was going to be having multiple surgeries. I had to break so many people's hearts at once, but at least now, everyone knew.
It's difficult writing this post. Just thinking about how hard that week was brings back a lot of painful memories. I could write and share the story of my appointments and surgeries and tumors all day! But when it comes to telling the stories of all the broken hearts...I'd rather not talk about it.
But these are the kinds of stories that need to be told. The ones that make you hurt and cry and break your heart. Because these are the kinds of stories that remind us how loved we are, and how much people care. And I promise it's not just me. I promise there are people in your life who love and care about you, even if it doesn't seem like it. There are people whose hearts would break for you if something bad ever happened.
It's a funny concept, but I sometimes think broken hearts are a blessing. It shows how much love there is in the world.
❤ / Mickey
I didn't want to tell anyone about my tumors.
But sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep something a secret, (especially this BIG of a secret), people find out. And since I knew that was probably going to happen sooner rather than later, there were a few people I needed to tell first. They needed to hear it from me.
One of the first people that needed to know was my softball coach, Jill. It was pretty obvious she had to be informed since it was the middle of the season and I wouldn't be going to practice that day, (or the rest of the year). My dad drove me to the high school and we both walked into Jill's classroom during her free hour. She knew I had been feeling sick and she knew I had an MRI that day, and I'm sure from the look on our faces when we walked in, she knew it wasn't good news.
I sat down by her desk and started to talk, but quickly stopped. I immediately broke down. For the first time since I was told I had a brain tumor, I cried. I sat there and cried and cried and I couldn't stop. It didn't help that my dad was crying too.
Finally after a minute of straight crying, I managed to spit it out.
"I have a brain tumor."
Jill started crying too.
The three of us sat there for a little while, just crying. When my tears finally took a break, I told my coach everything we knew. (Which really wasn't a lot). After talking for a few minutes, we made a plan to have a team meeting the next day during lunch so I could tell everyone.
My dad and I walked out of the classroom and I almost collapsed in the hallway. Everything began to spin worse than it ever had before. My nausea was acting up and I had to lean against the wall just to keep from falling over. I felt absolutely awful, and not just physically.
I was so confused.
Where did my peace go? What happened to the comfort and stillness that had been filling my mind and body since the beginning? Was that spirit gone and I'd have to continue through all this without it?
After my mini panic attack in the school hallway, my dad and I continued on to talk to the next person. Luckily, she was also at the school.
I've known Candi my entire life. She has been a neighbor, leader, and most importantly, a friend. I love and look up to her so much! She was also aware of my MRI that day. Being an audiologist, she helped connect us with an ENT doctor when my diagnosis was still just an ear infection. She had been following along with me this whole journey, so I wanted to be the one to tell her before anyone else did.
We walked in to her office and sat down. The tears started all over again.
"Candi, I have a brain tumor."
Candi didn't say anything at first, she just immediately reached out and hugged me. She then gave me some advice that I will never forget.
Candi told me that I could do this. She told me how strong I was and how I was going to become even stronger. She told me how much I was going to learn and how many cool experiences I was going to have and how I could take this as a chance to be an inspiration to others. I know she was inspired to say the things she did, because I walked out of her office feeling stronger and more confident than ever.
But I was still so sad.
The sadness I was feeling was so overwhelming that my physical symptoms were becoming increasingly worse. I had my dad take me home. There were more people to tell, but I physically and emotionally could not handle it anymore.
So I went home. I collapsed on the couch with my head in my moms lap and my family and I watched TV together for the rest of the evening. Honestly, we didn't really know what else to do.
As I laid on the couch with my head in my moms lap, I was trying to figure out why I was suddenly so upset about everything. I had been fine all weekend knowing I had a brain tumor, and I still knew everything was going to work out and be okay. So why was I just now feeling so terrible?
I realized it was because I knew how much everyone loved me. I have always been extremely blessed to have so many people in my life who I know appreciate and care for me, and now I had the responsibility of breaking their hearts. It was my job to let them down.
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| @season.atwater.photography |
Even to this day, breaking the news to all my family and friends was THE hardest thing. I have had six major surgeries, three laser eye treatments, gone through hours and hours of physical therapy, but none of those things can even compare to the pain I felt from breaking the hearts of so many people I loved.
While my family and I watched TV, I made a mental list of people I still wanted to tell in person. And even though I was drained, there were three people who needed to know that night.
My best friends.
They were also aware that I had been sick for the past few weeks and that I had an MRI that day. They had been texting and calling all day, but I wasn't responding. I really didn't want to tell them because I was tired of all the broken hearts so far, but they needed to know. I sent a message to our group chat and they were all at my doorstep within ten minutes.
"Guys, I have a brain tumor."
That sentence was starting to become all too familiar.
It was quiet for a few seconds while my friends tried to take in what I had just said. I continued to tell them all that I knew - a speech that I was beginning to memorize. The four of us stood on my porch talking for a few minutes while the sun went down.
My best friends told me they were going to be there for me. They let me know that I wouldn't have to go through this alone. They promised that when I had surgery, they would constantly be right by my side. They said everything that best friends should say, and it felt like a load was lifted off my back.
****
I dreaded waking up the next morning because I knew what I had to do. I had to go tell my team.
I drove myself to the school during lunch and walked into Jill's classroom where my teammates were eating pizza, talking, and laughing with one another. I looked around at all these girls. I had been playing softball with them since day one. They were the sisters I never had. I loved each and every one of them so much and I wanted so badly to just run out the door and never have to break another heart again.
But I couldn't. I had to do this.
Jill told everyone to listen up and gave me the signal to go ahead and speak. I started to talk, and instead of crying this time, I started shaking. I couldn't look anyone in the eye, so I stared at the ground.
"Well, some of you know I haven't been feeling too great lately. I had an MRI yesterday, and..."
I paused and took a deep breath to try and stop shaking.
"I have a brain tumor."
The room went completely silent. I will never forget the look on my teammates faces. Some of them were blank, others jaws dropped, and almost all of them immediately started crying. I continued to tell them everything I knew and did my best to answer any questions they had.
I may not have cried when I told my team, but telling them was the hardest of all.
A lot of people now knew, which meant word was probably going to get out pretty quickly. And it did. By the end of that second day there were already rumors going around. There was one more person on my mental list that I needed to tell, even though she had already heard the news.
I drove to Amber's house that night. She is another one of my very favorite people in the world! She was my young women's president who was also a neighbor and someone I still look up so much. I knocked on her door and when she opened it, she was already crying. I gave her a big hug and we sat on her couch and talked for a while.
I didn't cry this time. The spirit of peace and calmness was back and stronger than ever. I was relaxed while I went through everything that had happened in the past 48 hours. I told Amber how peaceful and chill I felt. I even went as far as to tell her that I knew about my brain tumor before the doctors did. Besides my mom and my brother, she was the only other person I had yet to admit that to.
Also, to try and lighten to mood, I said,
"I just hope my mom doesn't make me one of those cheesy Facebook pages called 'Miracles for Mickey' or something."
Yeah, I still think it's funny I said that.
Amber asked how I wanted the young women in my ward to find out. I couldn't bear the thought of having to break another group of people's hearts that I loved and cared about, so I asked if she would do it for me. She agreed and I left her house feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.
Finally, on Wednesday, April 20th, I made a post on all my social media accounts to let everyone know I had tumors and was going to be having multiple surgeries. I had to break so many people's hearts at once, but at least now, everyone knew.
It's difficult writing this post. Just thinking about how hard that week was brings back a lot of painful memories. I could write and share the story of my appointments and surgeries and tumors all day! But when it comes to telling the stories of all the broken hearts...I'd rather not talk about it.
But these are the kinds of stories that need to be told. The ones that make you hurt and cry and break your heart. Because these are the kinds of stories that remind us how loved we are, and how much people care. And I promise it's not just me. I promise there are people in your life who love and care about you, even if it doesn't seem like it. There are people whose hearts would break for you if something bad ever happened.
❤ / Mickey
I love this! Thank for sharing.
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